Wednesday, 11 December 2013

The Malteser Challenge: How many can you put in your mouth without eating them¿

This challenge is more difficult than it first appears.  Being quite stoic, i'm not for shirking these occasions, especially when being provoked by two other competitors insinuating that they will beat me.  This stirs a deep emotion, forcing me to prove them wrong.  Childish, very, but aren't most things?  If it wasn't childish it would not be fun; as long as i win, of course.

My two contenders for the crown of 'Biggest Gob' were Louise (Tough as 'Fork Handles') Hardwick 31, and Luke (Northern Beauty) Booty 27, both body builders.  They like to think of themselves as tough and competitive, with youth on their side may be a touch of naive confidence.  When i said "i'm gonna win", they mocked me.  Well that just spurred me on even more.  What do these youngsters know about winning, this was going to be easy.

Scott Phillipson equally dispersed the large bag of Maltesers on the three plates whilst we prepared ourselves with sledging jousts.  The aim was to see who was able to place as many Maltesers in their mouths without eating them.  Everyone had surmised about 30, but after investigating my own facial cavity I estimated 40 would be adequate, and was promptly laughed at, "I have a big mouth" I exclaimed.

A few deep breaths, a last look and "Go" was energetically barked.  Grabbing two handfuls of chocolate covered honeycomb balls I thrust them in my gob, plenty more room available.  Another two handfuls claimed and I passed 30, turning to my left the challengers were struggling to find room for 15.  Easy, too easy. There were only 17 more Maltesers on the plate I selected and deposited ten more to reach 40.  After 36, space was becoming a premium, time to utilise my squirrel pouches.  By now the chocolate was starting to melt, the honeycomb collapsing.  There were a few strategic holes available to breath and i could feel them moving down my throat.  Ah, more space.  Forty!  I had done it, achieve the level set at the start.  All good sports people need goals to be set and achieved, it is how we improve.

The final seven Antipodean airy spheres now presented me with a challenge.  More so than the cackling figures next to me. Where to put them was the question.  The only crevasses that i could find were under my cheeks and lips.  The final sphere only contained 11 calories, it couldn't be that hard amongst laughing competitors.   Forcing the last ball in, arms aloft in celebration it then dawned on me that i had just created a solid lump of honeycombed chocolate which i could neither swallow or extract.  Breathing was becoming more difficult, the solidifying sugar cement was now started to block my airways, i had no choice.  I started pulling out lumps and finally it was over.  I had won.



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